Behind the Bar - Complete Review

Full Post of A Locals Design Guide to Bars, Restaurants, and Lounges

Jan 22, 2009

Pimps Paradise



Otis

Neighborhood: Union Square
25 Maiden Ln (between Grant Ave & Kearny St)
San Francisco, CA 94108


In the Know: There are a few lanes and alleys I suggest checking out in San Francisco's financial district; Mark Lane if you want to enjoy a pint with some Irish chaps, Belden Place is a small taste of the french quarter, and then there is Maiden Lane. Upscale boutiques line the pedestrian only walk way. It should be no surprise that hidden amongst these shi-shi stores is an equally upscale watering hole. At least at one point, at some time, hopefully for the owners sake it was a nice place. It is unfortunate that I had to go there at a time when the whole place was going through some "changes." (If you could see me right now I am holding up my hands doing the air bunny ears immediately after writing the word "changes"... wait, yup just did it again) Now, the place kinda looked run down to me. Things were either missing, taken down to get fixed, or just plain messy. While it pains me to be so cavalier with my description, I have a reasonably-ish good reason for it. A couple months back I was walking home from a sh*t show kinda night. (you all know exactly what I am talking about - bar hopping with friends, taking shots with strangers, dancing on top of tables at Taco Bell, picking up a guy after all day wine drinking that you have to card because he looks as though he just went through puberty..you know, those kinda nights) When I rounded the corner to my street I saw a nice gentleman smoking a cigarette, apparently taking a break from his house party. Being the semi in your face kinda girl that I am, not to mention the lead in a 'neighborhood watch' program I set up, I approached him to make sure to keep the streets safe. To make a really long story short I have never picked up a man so efficiently. Seriously though, right outside my apartment... at the end of the night... I even went into the house party and he made me drinks. What a win-win situation. But back to the issue at hand. I finally got a chance to meet my neighbors. It just so happened that the friend and my neighbor, of my cigarette smoking boo was non other than the bartender at Otis. So this understated posting goes out to him!


I should start by saying the size and layout of the space is fantastic! It is extremely intimate (ie. if you go here you must be comfortable with shoulder to shoulder with complete strangers.) I did find the design a but unusual, though. A cluster f*ck of things; separately they are all pretty cool, but once together the theme of the space gets lost. If there even is a theme. The name Otis came from a pimp that used to live in the same neighborhood as the owner. Maybe since pimps are eccentric in life and style the bar had to mirror that? You be the judge. After entering through what only could be described as dungeon doors you would pass a corridor lit by deer antlers. If you decide that you don't want to check your coat or sit on the comfy white bench seating in the hall, you will definitely want to see whats going on with the three vertical and mysteriously lit coral installation wall. This does really look pretty cool but as I said earlier too many random elements can get confusing. The bar is situation right below this. It is actually the perfect size for 2 tenders comfortably. The actual bar itself is pretty eclectic: alligator skin under glass on top of mirrors next to wood. (Come to think of it all that pretty much resembles what I can only assume a pimps palace would contain) All that was missing was the actual pimp. Although, can a bartender be considered a pimp? I mean I am paying him to take care of me for the night (giving me drinks that is;). And what pimp palace would be complete without a large peacock on top of the bar, peering out over the crowd?


What I do really like about the place is it has a mezzanine area overlooking the ground floor. In keeping with the theme of eclecticism, I guess, the upstairs is totally different from the downstairs. Here there is asian style wall paper on top floral sofas. It almost looks like whoever designed the space wanted the whole room to be one pattern but couldn't find anything to match the asian wall paper so just settled on a similar, European looking floral pattern for the sofas. Just because certain styles from certain countries happen to be on the same continent, does not...I repeat, does not mean that they match.

Behind the Bar: As previously mentioned my neighbor is the bartender of this pimps palace. What this means, I pretty much grilled him a lot more than I would have any other person. Apparently it wasn't all that bad because he hasn't egged my house...yet. He said the only thing that he didn't like about the space was the depth of the bar. On the side where the customer sits, the overhanging lip looked like it was only half a foot deep. Not enough room to really comfortably put your legs anywhere. (How I see it, this pushes the bar stool further into the space so the customer doesn't have their knees jammed up against it. Not the wisest of things if the area is already reduced in size.) What I noticed, the height of the seats in comparison to the bar was way off. I did not like the feeling that I could just lean in to sip on my cocktail. Drinks should not be consumed from a horizontal front, they should be approached in an upward and then immediately downward motion.

Who's Who: This would be the absolute perfect place to go if you worked on Maiden Lane. Just think, done with work by 5:30pm...drinking by 5:32pm. And from what it looked like, that is exactly what those Maidenians did. The bar offered a great after work social scene, one that allowed for chatting up people you may or may not know. It also offered an excellent chance to indulge in a little more intimate one-on-one setting. So immediately after you meet someone you can take them upstairs to get away from the hustle and bustle of the folks still in search of their match. Kinda sounds like a cheesy dating reality show, right?

Too Much Information; Take Me Back!

Jan 15, 2009

I love your glowing globes





Neighborhoods: Union Square, Nob Hill
6 Claude Ln(between Bush St & Sutter St)
San Francisco, CA 94108
(415) 788-6686

In the Know: Let me just start out by saying, WOW! Where the hell has this kinda design in San Francisco been? I mean everything was spectacular, spectacular! And I am not just saying that because one of my favorite local SF designers (Mr. Important) did it. Oh, no no no. Each and every minor detail was attended to as if it was a cuddly bunny nestled in the bossom of a rock star design. From the colored menus to the lighting scheme to the multi-leveled dining/bar areas to the incredible bathroom, Mr. Important left no proverbial stone unturned. Lets begin at the bar as that is obviously my favorite place to be: When first doing my research (i.e. looking at their website gallery) I immediately thought it was over designed with a cluster f*ck of materials. Not the case at all. Since it is two times higher than it is wide all the elements really start complimenting eachother superbly. What can only be described as wavy herringbone wood panels ran into red alligator skin walls (not real) butted up against rough brick covered by foe metal panels. On top of that, gigantic theateresque curtains hung from the ceiling framing two classical in form but modern in theme tapestries. It seems no one does that anymore. I felt like I was in some sort of uber modern castle with the sexy foreign bartender as my girlfriends and my prince. She loves the accent; i love the baldies ;) (could have been a King if he showed a little more skin. Just something to keep in mind for next time.) Illuminating everything was two orbiting globe chandeliers. While the glowing globes are extremely unique and interesting, it was the base they were hanging from that caught my attention. It looked like some sort of circular rock formation. So if you are keeping track, that makes it rock, brick, metal, wood, alligator skin, and fabric. What's missing? Glass. Do not dismay, they had that too. At the end of the bar was an interesting stripped glass wall. On the customers side it was a door that opened up to the street. On the bar side it was a sliding window that once opened looked like a drive up window. What a genius way to let in air if the space gets stuffy. Could also be pretty fantastic for a cocktail to go...yes?


But wait! Don't think that is the end of it. After a bottle of wine, the design went from great to a-mazing as I ventured around the rest of the space. The upstairs dining area had a completely different feel than the bar. The brick walls surrounding the space were illuminated from the bottom, a fantastic effect called grazing. What I love most about the walls is they were encased behind glass. It made it look as though the whole wall was its own art piece. This gave the upstairs a very dark and vibrant ambiance. I usually do not put dark and vibrant in the same sentence because they kinda contradict each other but the use of colors created a sort of intense intimacy. At least I am sure that is exactly what the 4 business gentleman were thinking when they were enjoying their marinated local sardine filets, with herbed crostini, tapenade, pickled vegetables, and caper berries. Allst while staring warmly into eachothers eyes. Brilliant! What's even more brilliant, since the dining area was so small, Mr. Important used a semi-reflecive ceiling that really makes the space appear larger than in is. Now tell me, who wouldn't want mirrors on the ceiling, hmmm?


Last and most certainly the most important design goes towards the bathroom. The hypnotic white and black tiling worked wonders set against a semi-opaque glass wall. One very interesting feature was the addition of the urinal. This is not something usually found in a unisex bathroom. I absolutely love this idea! Why the heck would I want to share the same toilet with guys that for the life of them have some sort of problem aiming into the bowl. Is it honestly that hard to miss? The thing is like a foot wide.



Behind the Bar: Enough with the technical side, lets get to the juicy stuff. Our bartender (the sexy foreign prince previously mentioned) gave Lindsay and I a pretty good insight into why European bars are better than American. He explained that size matters. (Sport, I couldn't agree with you more;) The bar was too spread out. Apparently in Europe all the amenities you need, i.e. shakers, glasses, bottles, etc. are within arms distance away from each other. No need to go from one side to the next to grab a cherry. Here, however, everything was so spread out. In order to shake up a Gypsy cocktail he had to pace the lot(and in this case the bar). I can't say that I completely agree with him on spreading out the bar. I mean he is a European for gods sake, they have no concept of spatial boundaries. They don't mind things being uncomfortably close. He also mentioned that the shelving system was dangerously narrow. Generally, bars have some sort of counter space separating the hip of the bartender from the neatly stacked and freshly polished glassware. This helps avoid accidents as well as give added counterspace. But I must admit, not having that extra ledge does make it look pretty swanky.

*Here we pause for a moment. You have no idea how hard that was for me to decipher what the heck this fuzzy foreigner was saying. The fact of the matter is I am one of those 'hears what she wants to hear' type of person. It is devastatingly hard to do this when you only understand a fraction of what the guy is actually saying. So lets do the math: I maybe understood 1/2 of what he was saying. Now take into account that I chose to hear probably 1/2 of the 1/2 said to me. So after a 10 minute conversation with this gentleman I really only got a solid minute'ish' of information from him. It also probably didn't help that he gave Lindsay and I a free round of Sherry whilst explaining his view on the design. More drinks will do nothing but make it harder for me to process the information. Come to think of it, Sherry is a very interesting choice when giving free rounds. Some delicious mixed cocktail, most likely. A shot of jaegar, possibly. But sherry? I guess they are going for the 'we are European and different. We drink sherry as only real men can.' Gentleman, it was a nice touch :)

Who's Who: As much as I love going out, I have this weird thing about waiting outside a restaurant for it to open just so I can start drinking. If it was a minute before I got there that's totally fine. It was open, im cool. But waiting for them to open the doors and invite me in, sucks. This, of course, happened at Gitane because for some reason they don't even open until 5:30pm. (If they only knew how many people they could pull in if they opened just 30 min. earlier. Think about it boys...sitting outside in the 70 degree weather in the middle of the winter, kinda priceless) Luckily, I was not the first in line. A nice group had gathered outside. From what I saw, an impressive after work crowd. Ages looked from mid 20's to late 40's. Mostly all dressed up. Mostly all needing a break from a hard days work. Everyone kinda had their own thing going on which made it pleasant to sip on some wine in the presence of great company. But I suggest making a reservation or arriving shortly after it opens before embarking on this visual extravaganza. Space is limited.

And to you, chatty Cathy sitting next to me: Guy, I am trying to discuss politics, religion, and sex with my girl friend and most certainly do not need to hear another peep outta you about your sweet digs in Tahoe or your workout regime or how much coke you just finish doing. All those things is better kept to yourself.

Dec 8, 2008

Oh Sweet Nectar!




Candybar

Neighborhood: Western Addition/NOPA
1335 Fulton St(between Broderick St & Divisadero St)
San Francisco, CA 94117
(415) 673-7078


This review is a little hard for me to do. Throughout this whole blog I have tried to blend witty yet cynical commentary on bar/restaurant design, a sociological study of peoples interactions within these environments to their surroundings and to others, and top it off with a few personal debaucherous stories of my own. In short, I write whatever I damn well please with no remorse; i.e. how utterly horrible/great the design is, how much I want to lick the bartenders nipples, and/or some fun mistakes I have made after consuming way over the legal limit of alcohol. Of course all of these things are fun because generally I don't go back to the same place every week. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem going back to a place I gave a less than desirable review to however once you become friends with the people that work there, the rules change. That would be the case here. A dear friend of mine and I have been making Candybar a Tuesday HH hangout for the past couple weeks. We sit at the bar, order our $2 sangria's, break out a game of Blockus, and play several rounds with the owners and chefs. I have become quite fond of this place and wouldn't want my unnecessary rudeness landing me a drink or dessert with spit in it. Now with all that said, I do not feel it would be fair to give a bias review of the design of the space just because I like the people. So boys, if I say anything to offend you I am sorry but just remember, it's not me it's you ;)


In The Know: The first I have ever heard of this place was from an anonymous comment on my "I have been flagged" review. It read, "i posted a review of 'candy bar' based on my perceptions of walking by it, reading their menu, and concluding that the place looks like jcrew and wasn't a good fit for the neighborhood." I, obviously never being one to judge, couldn't possibly pass up the opportunity to check out a place that was both full of a certain J Crew wearing type of people in a neighborhood that is not exactly J Crew friendly. And having one of the best HH's I have ever heard of doesn't hurt either. I needed to investigate. First impression: I could not see J Crew in the people at all. I could, however, see where someone might mistake this place for a retail shop. Could it be the over sized book shelf looking object used to divide the front lounge from the back tables? It does look as though it could have housed several sweater vests and polo's on it. Possibly the bar and furniture wood accents? The sharp angular edges and color does come off a bit Banana Republicy. How about the lighting scheme? Over the bar is fantastic carbon pendant lighting system. The kooky, octopusesque chandelier would not have been my first pick but I can kinda see where they were going with that...kinda. But other than that, the form follows the function. Form: two low lounge areas with red fabric seating and chests used as tables up front. A gathering of 2 & 4 top tables with an awesome chalk board displaying the latest in dessert exquisitery in the back. Function: Serving only dessert, wines/beers, and a plethora of old school board games. Board games people...BOARD GAMES!!!


Behind the Bar: I have talked to all parties that either own or operate this place so if I was to gossip, it would be oh so juicy. However, as previously mentioned, I talk to them every week now. I wouldn't want a high school he said, he said (to my knowledge it is all men that work there) kinda situation. So to save all parties from a civil war, I am going to give you just what I think. Isn't that all that matters anyways? The large chest that acts as a table in the front lounge is way to large for the space. I found my knees knocking against it as I was constantly standing up, laughing, and pointing as I was very respectfully making fun of how horrible people are at parallel parking. Apparently some drivers can't handle 7 people staring at them as they try to fit their Honda Civic into a space that one could easily park a mini van. (of course if the driver was an Asian woman that statement would be false.)

Who's Who: One would think that since there are a plethora of board games that it would be fun for the whole family. False! I would not like to see little kids running around this place. One there isn't enough room to run around. Two if im on a romantical after dinner date, the last thing I want to concern myself with is a child staring at me as I deliver sexual innuendos over a game of Shoots and Ladders. (you might be surprise how much that game can get anyone into the right mood;) It is a great place to meet some girlfriends/boyfriends after work. It is an even better place if you go on a date, realize that you have absolutely nothing in common with the person sitting across from you, however they insist that you at least eat dessert. Instead of continuing on with the utter bore that is your date, you can take him to Candybar where at least you have a game and fantastically delicious dessert to occupy your time before rushing home to call your girlfriends and discuss how just because they are a rocket scientist for NASA doesn't make them interesting. Enjoy!

Too Much Information; Take Me Back

Nov 25, 2008

I believe that Mr. is a Mrs.




Neighborhoods: SOMA, Civic Center/Tenderloin
34 7th Street(between Jessie St & Market St)
San Francisco, CA 94103
(415) 355-9991


Here is a chilling question for you: Is it okay for a man to walk around topless if s/he has gotten a boob job? I am not talking about man boobs so often hidden by layers of shirts and hoodies. I am talking about a male tranny that somehow sucked enough d*ck to afford a breast augmentation and now walks around town pretending his milkshake brings all the boys to the yard! Now depending on the season, it is very acceptable for a man to walk around without a shirt on. (and in most cases I welcome the idea, umm nipples) However, I have never felt more awkward in my own skin than to see a skinny man, topless, with his huge mams (sounds nicer than breasts, boobs, and/or mamery glands) hanging out for the world to see. I know it isn't okay (with me), but is it okay? If a woman walked around topless she would be asked to cover herself up (society rules gentleman, not mine) but a man would not. So once you combine the two, what happens? Technically since he is still a man he doesn't have to cover up but now he has women parts does it make a difference?? Kinda a lot to swallow, I know. My intention behind starting like this is not to repulse you, although who doesn't like shock value? I just feel this paints the best picture of the neighborhood Mr. Smiths is in. The Tenderloin!


In The Know: Yes, the TL does not have the best reputation, being overrun with some shady characters and all. Luckily, a lot of the bars in this neck of the woods bare no resemblance on the inside to there outside surroundings. This area might be the only place that has velvet ropes and crack whores all sharing sidewalk space. America, F*ck Ya! However, once beyond these pearly gates the space takes on a seductively dark ambiance. A vibrant red/gold floral pattern creeps up every inch on the wall to the right while a brick facade spans the length of the left. I should note that I am totally a fan of wall paper over just painting walls. It definitely looks like the designers actually cared about the space and wanted to put some extra bucks in to make it nice. However, this paper looked as though it projectile vomited all over the wall and wouldn't stop until every last drop reeked of roses and gold. It could have been the sheer height of the space that made me feel floral nausea. If it wasn't for the hot bartender #1 distracting me I might have thrown up roses and gold myself. (*On a side note, I have read the yelp reviews of this place. Almost every lady mentions the hot bartender #1. Yes, he is good looking but ladies remember he is just that, a bartender. Most likely he puts on his little show to raise your spirits and his tips. So ladies be advised: I am sure under your wine induced stupor you may or may not have given him your number, watched him put it in his front breast pocket, wink at you, say he'll call, and yet somehow wake up the next morning to find the other bartenders' (#2) number in your pocket from which you don't remember getting when you were eye f*cking bartender #1 from a distance. Rest easy ladies, you wouldn't have been the only one this has happened to. This is all speculation of course ;)


Behind The Bar: Nothing. Nothing goes here because no one told me that anything is wrong or right with the space. Bartender #2 did say he loved the shell looking chandeliers over the bar; loved the upchucked floral extravaganza that was is the wallpaper; thought having an upstairs was 'dope.' Come on #2, I am asking what you think works and what doesn't, not whether you think it is pretty. Lets reserve that kinda judgement for the tranny with huge knockers doing lines of crack off your velvet ropes outside. If he was bartender #1, his delicious mouth would have told me he did not mind the whole establishment is situated with all roads leading to the bar. The ratio of space in front of the bar is almost equal to behind the bar, giving these bartenders ample room to stretch out while the patrons on the other side huddle together. If he was bartender #1 he might have even told me that having the backroom/bathroom situated away from the main bar area really help keep the ladies room traffic to a minimum or even a nice place to escape from the noise. If he was bartender #1 he might have told me that he loved having a second story overlooking the main bar area. It is great for private events because it has its own bar allowing for the social elite to judge all the minions below without having to actually interact with them. But no, because he was #2 he was not willing to play along with my game.

Who's Who: Don't worry, the tooth decaying midget tranny will not be the one trying to share a bar stool with you. The crowd seemed to be anywhere from late 20's all the way up to earlyish 40's. I saw a lot of after work people all dressed up in the latest business casual. (mainly because I went after work) If I was to take a gander at the night life scene, I would put my money on a mix of overdressed marina type trying to experience a world outside of Prada bags and popped collars or the club kids looking for a chill spot to exercise their demons before they head to their uber all night club.


Too Much Information; Take Me Back

Nov 18, 2008

He's not drinking, but i'll take a bottle of wine!





Neighborhood: Mission
1199 Valencia St
(between 22nd St & 23rd St)
San Francisco, CA 94110
(415) 695-1199


In the Know: I am a firm believer that one should do a minor amount of research prior to going to any dining establishment. If for no other reason than knowing what you are getting yourself into for the night. My research came in the guise of a couple tequila shots with an ex who is a bartender at a restaurant on the same block. (I am sure that I don't have to bring out the needless to say jibber jabber, but I am going to anyways because I like the way it sounds. So, needless to say you start your night off with two tequila shots and a glass of wine before you even sit down for dinner; your in for a great night!) He told me it used to be the Last Supper Club. Same owners but new design, new menu, great crowd. Really, what more could a girl ask for? Third round of shots, perhaps?

When I got there the first thing I noticed was the ceiling. Not only does it appear high but the faux coiffured wood ceiling sets an overall warm, almost aged Spanishesque atmosphere. (which is kinda a weird feeling seeing as how it is an Italian restaurant. Though I guess there are some common similarities.) Now I feel they did a great job with the lighting scheme in regards to the layout of the space. It is divided in almost three sections; a long bar extends the length of the wall to the left, a ridiculously large banquette table and equally high 2-tops down the right, and a farely large open space down the center. The designer did not just haphazardly place lighting down the center of the restaurant and call it a day. They placed some delectably goddy chandeliers over the goddy table and some wonderful carbon filament pendent lighting over the bar. All of this mixed with candles really adds to a great vibe. And for an even more intimate setting, up front and in back they have lower 4-tops and 2 tops so you and your boo can hold hands and peer into each others eyes while toasting to your happiness. (see I am not always cynical ;) As far as the artwork, well none of the walls have any. In its stead, there is an exceptionally interesting floral design present. I actually like the lack of art. One would really have to find the right piece to fit the space and unless you are ready to house a full on installation, less is definitely more!


Behind the Bar: As previously mentioned I was already warm and toasty walking in to this place. That warm and toasty escalated to hot and spicy as I ordered a bottle of wine to myself. At the time it seemed ambitious but that is the greatest part of going to a restaurant with a person that doesn't drink. No awkward, who is going to take the last glass of wine at the end of the bottle. No sitting by, watching your date fill his glass almost to the rim just to turn around and dribble a couple drops into your glass while claiming he thought there was a lot more left and would share his with you but he kinda mixed two different kinds of wine together and is pretty sure you wouldn't like it. (deep breath) Sure guy, seeing through glass is still one of those unsolved mysteries science has yet to understand. Thanks chief, for showing us that guys do know everything about what a woman likes on the second date. Your a saint and my new savior. Moral of this obviously passive aggressive story is while reviewing under the influence is freak'n awesome (restrictions may apply see terms and conditions for details) retaining that information is always somewhat fuzzy. The cliffs notes version I remember from our server is as follows: due to the height of the ceiling, it really was nice to have that extremely large banquette table down the middle of the restaurant. It acts as a buffer for noise wafting through the air. So while you are spitting your B+ game, would have been an A- but you forgot to wear your lucky bra, the dinners won't secretly snicker behind your back. If the restaurant would have put several short tables, those dinners might have felt as though the people waiting at the bar were all up in their grill (yes, im straight up hood). Plus the server liked the tall tables cause she didn't have to lean down to talk to people. Not only can cause a lot of problems for a really tall server but sometimes the communication at the two different levels can be difficult. This often times forces the server to shout at the customers. That never works out, trust me on this one. I have partaken in my fair share of high pitched conversations and they never work out to my advantage. Damn customers always right rule!

On a side note: I have to mention the tiling that took place in the bathroom. Whilst I love the look of it, both times I went to the bathroom I found it extremely hard to walk on in stilletos. Yes, I was almost a bottle and a couple shots deep but I believe it was the tile to grout ratio that was the real problem.


Who's Who: This is definitely a spot where locals tell locals to go. The mixture of old, new, borrowed and blue all sat or stood comfortably next to one another. That has to be one of the greatest parts of common tables, you get to do some serious eavesdropping. I highly recommend it for date nights, friend nights, group nights, alone nights, and/or nights that you want to order a bottle of wine to yourself. Thank god to my server that let me re-cork my bottle before things started really heating up!


Nov 10, 2008

Creepy Crotchy Clown Carnival


Boboquivari's


Neighborhood: Marina/Cow Hollow
1450 Lombard Street(between Franklin St & Van Ness Ave)
San Francisco, CA 94123
(415) 441-8880


In the Know: I shouldn't really be saying this because it pretty much goes against the whole idea of me becoming a designer. But I have never been one to follow rules and so I don't see why I would need to now. What I am getting at is while hiring a designer will definitely give your restaurant a better atmosphere which in turn will bring in more business [hint, hint], one does not have to pay someone else a 218.7% mark up for a design. (and to the 92.4% of gay males that run the interior design world just remember, I have graciously walked 3 very handsome, strapping young men out of the proverbial closet so if you feel I am outing you, we're even bitches!) Obviously with the economy in turmoil everyone wants to save as much money as possible so restaurant owners are now becoming designers. And, more often than not they aren't doing such a horrible job. There must be a 'How To' book to bar/restaurant design going around. I am sure within these pages there would be certain must does, can does, and definitely don't, even it you think it is cool, trust me no one else does do guidelines. For example: Must Do- design a space that is comfortable for both your patrons and employees. (duoy duh that is why I am doing this whole blog.) Can Do- Put as many candles as you can around. This is a great idea for first time daters because candles really can help make someone look attractive. And we all know more than half of the first time dates are with people you met at a bar and at the time didn't realize how thick your beer goggles actually were so you agreed to go on a date only to find out the person may or may not be balding and may or may not be over twice your age and may or may not be wearing a brown belt with black shoes, ugh. Don't Do- turn your fine dining establishment into a three ring circus. Unless you are Teatro ZinZanni about to unveil the bearded lady do everything in your power to avoid freaking out your patrons. With this said, one must wonder how a multi-leveled steak house located on Lombard, could seriously be overrun with creepy clowns. Owners how could you let this happen? And more importantly why the heck would you do this to us? Unless of course you were raised amongst the carnies which would lead me to ask a different variety of questions. The space is hard enough to maneuver without painted faced masks at every corner.

Now, I of all people know that you have to work with what you got. (*Hey-oh!) And this space is not the most server/customer/hostess/chef friendly. When you walk in there is a semi-circular bar taking up 80% of the entrance. Generally this wouldn't be a problem but when it gets busy, this small room can fill up quick and with no hostess stand as your first point of contact it could get rather confusing. Directly to the right of the entrance is a small dining area that is generally where they put the 2 tops or larger parties that want to sit together. If you continue past where the hostess stands (as previously mentioned she doesn't have an actually stand which when I was working there left me feeling rather exposed.) to the right is the bathrooms and kitchen. You will notice that above the entrance is a long legged clown that is more-or-less spread eagle over the door opening. First off if you don't notice this than you are obviously more accustomed to clowns than you would like to admit (and frankly I would like to hear about) and second if you do notice than you are looking directly at the clowns crotch which will leave you with a whole mess of psychological problems that will never go away...forever. I recommend avoiding looking all together. Once you advert your eyes, passed this sexually perverted, mind f*cking clown is the second level dining area. This space houses 4 booths and a random "intimate" 2 top that feels more like they are trying to hide you away. As the hostess I would admit to sticking my fair share of colorful characters back in there. If you do want to be hidden away, ask to sit upstairs on the third level. There are two 4 tops that have curtains that can be closed for your personal dining pleasure. Just ask Barry Bonds, who closed these curtains to tell his son to never get married and just sleep around with as many woman as possible. (yes ayes heard it with mine own two ears) What a lovely role model. Directly adjacent there is also two booths and two round tables occupying this space. This area is great if you want to hold a private, secluded event...or tell your, at the time, 19 year old son about the birds and the bees.


Behind the Bar: No need to ask anyone about the woes of this place, I worked here for a brief stint (about 2 years ago now and I haven't been back so if I am off please let me know. I won't change what I have said because once I am on a roll there is really no turning back. I will, however, make a 5pt font sidenote with your comments. Cheers!), and hence have my own behind the scenes take on it. Other than my obvious disdain for the lack of a hostess stand and the fact that it is the creepiest decor ever, the multi-levelness of the place is less than desirable. I understand utilizing all levels of your space. But that third level is ridiculously hard for a server to maintain, especially in regards to the type of people that go there. (That will be discussed in the who's who section) And speaking of that area, yes I know there is a door up there, and yes I know that patio looking think would totally just be the most perfect place to enjoy your cancer stick, but no...you can not go out there. Why? It might be because the people that live behind the building don't want to hear your clucking stilletoes while listening to you talk about how much your porsche cost. But most likely it is because that terrace is not that structurally sound and the restaurant is looking out for your best interest. So stop asking!


Who's Who: Since this is a more expensive establishment you are going to get a more high-end crowd. Please don't take offense to anything I have said. I love these kinda folks (mostly when I am on the inside looking out). I recommend Bobo's as a place to take a client that you need to impress, a place to take a date you need to impress, a special event where you need to be impressed (and that you don't have to pay for - i.e. birfday or graduation), or parents that need to shut their kids up by taking them to an expensive clown show. I would seriously avoid the last one though, more often than not clowns are scarier than they are funny for kids, and if I am in a fine dining restaurant with kids screaming around me...it is I that will be the scary one.

To Much Information! Take Me Back

Nov 7, 2008

See no evil, hear no evil, and yet im still evil...hmmm



Koh Samui & the Monkey

Neighborhood: SOMA
415 Brannan St(between 3rd St & Ritch St)
San Francisco, CA 94107

In The Know: Right of the bat I knew I was going to love this design. It isn't like every other restaurant that is street level; you actually have to go up a small flight of stairs to get there. (Its not that it is the only restaurant that is like this in SF but I haven't blogged on those places yet so outta sight, outta mind - at least for now so back off!) It is great as far as restaurants go because you feel better than everyone else when you are looking down upon all the other restaurant minions...muahahahaha. At the top of the stairs is a bench with bronze see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil monkeys. Great touch seeing as how the restaurant has monkey in the title and flippin monkeys everywhere (all thats missing is the barrel). Once you enter the full bar is to your immediate left, a great water fountain/Buddha sculpture/partition situation separating the dining area. The tables and chairs used to furnish the restaurant was only one of the things that really tickled my pickle. One could say custom build furniture is a fetish of mine so....hi, creators of those fabulous wood/metal pieces...hi ;) The other pickle tickler was how they incorporated the obvious Thai decor in a warehousey shell. There was almost floor to ceiling warehouse windows (generally it is several small panes of glass) and exposed ventilation system. On one of the walls there was an incredible Buddha sculpture surrounded by candles adding to a very intimate feel throughout the whole space. It would definitely be a great place to take a date, if your into the looking down through warehouse windows at other restaurants while surrounded by monkeys, sculptures, and candles siting on fabulous chairs...kinda thing.

Behind The Bar: A sexy tattoo, slick haired, beautiful eyed, pirate looking chap. Please don't mistake the mention of this pirate with the SF's infamous pirate (General Lee) that works (ed) at the Beauty Bar. Oh, no no no. He is a much cleaner cut and of the more delicious variety. However, even with the pretty ones I can always find fault. My one qualm with him is I think he thought I was some sort of undercover agent sent by the powers that be (i.e. his bosses) to make sure that nothing but whispers of sweet nothings come from his supple lips. Translation: he was boring and withheld all the juicy gossip from me. He mentioned how nice it was to have large windows surrounding the space allowing for the sun to heat the room up itself. That's it, that's all I get!?! I blame in on his equally boring colleagues/friends siting at the bar. You don't have to be shy with me and look at your friends to help you answer questions my sensual succulent. If he was to humor me, however, he would have said that in the dining section they tried to squeeze to many tables into the space. There was no coherent flow. Unless you know the layout extremely well, it was hard to navigate the maze. Some tables where just far enough apart that made you think you could fit through them but come to find out after sipping on the Pumpkin curry chicken in red curry sauce served in pumpkin you realize how tight your cloths fit now and promise to start tomorrow with your Extreme Makeover: Stop telling yourself your going to start tomorrow and just do it already! edition...so getting between these tables was a bit harder than you could imagine. Thanks for the help and words of wisdom you sexy lil pirate vixen you; I'll be after your booty soon...

Who's Who: Other than the aforementioned pirates' shipmates at the bar, I saw two after work ladies and a group of diners in their mid 30's (ish). Not a whole lot to work with. Let me paint you a picture of what kinda crowd I can imagine would frequent this kinda joint: at the bar we have a mixture of 20-30 somethings sipping on tasty beverages after a long and extremely prosperous day at work. Everyone is enjoying each others companies, laughing at each others jokes, and lining up to buy me shots;) The dining room is filled with folks of all ages and backgrounds, from a grandma knitting in the corner to Jesus playing cards with 50 cent to children hiccuping rainbows to Johnny Depp (the real, and my forever #1 pirate) feeding me strawberries to everyone lining up to buy me shots. Come to think of it, I am an extremely great artist and think I really should frequent this place more often.

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